


Trigger

by strawberrymarss



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Bottom Kim Hongjoong, But it's there, Choking Kink, Dom/sub Undertones, Espionage AU, Fingering, Hand Jobs, Handcuffs, Hyung Kink, M/M, Mood Swings, Name-Calling, Other tags to be added, Outbursts, Overstimulation, Panic Attacks, Rivals With Benefits, Rivals to Lovers, Smut, Sort Of, Spanking, Top Park Seonghwa, Vibrators, but first you must suffer, finger-sucking, hongjoong brat but not for long, hongjoong is rlly broken in this one ngl, i'll give them a happy ending, kinda bdsm?, kinda self-harm (?), kinda unhealthy relationship at first, like it's not major, lowkey pretentious writing, marking kink, mental breakdowns, mentions of biting, my tags are a mess, no beta we die like fools, possessive seonghwa, safe sex, they are spies and it'll be more obvious later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:55:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22302940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrymarss/pseuds/strawberrymarss
Summary: For as long as Kim Hongjoong can remember, Park Seonghwa has always been his trigger; quiet and dangerous, taking his breath away and making him do things he normally wouldn't.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 27
Kudos: 214





	Trigger

**Author's Note:**

> hi i'm back on my seongjoong bs :D anyway this one is gonna be pretty heavy bc Espionage AU yknow what m saying. i'm not sure when i'll be able to cook up and serve the next chapter, but do pray i don't lose my inspiration for this and will get some time uwu <3
> 
> tw// panic attacks, mental breakdowns, outbursts, mentions of blood, bruising, choking, scratching, lowkey self-harm
> 
> please heed the trigger warnings.

Kim Hongjoong's not sure when he started falling for his stoic work partner, Park Seonghwa, codename Phantom. They are two of KQ's finest agents, always ready to go and have a high mission success rate, even individually. It was natural for the higher-ups to pair them together to increase KQ's successful missions further. 

Though they are partners, they are rivals, first and foremost. Ever since in the Academy, they have always competed with each other, because only Park Seonghwa was able to reach Kim Hongjoong's standard, and only Kim Hongjoong was able to reach Park Seonghwa's standard. Even though KQ knows this, they know that these two work well together, and partnered them up despite their protests. They both learned to stop protesting and just release their pent-up frustration and anger at each other's shortcomings during missions by spending their nights together, only one waking up alone in bed the next morning covered in bites and scratches.

Usually, Hongjoong would be the one who wakes up alone, climbing off the bed with a slight limp and looking in the mirror, observing the marks on his body. They're never major, they both agreed, but the wounds usually have dried blood by the morning, and sometimes there would be light brown blood spots on the sheets. 

Anyone looking in would know it's not the healthiest relationship around, but Hongjoong fell for the way Seonghwa is always so cold and collected, controlling Hongjoong in ways no one else could, and Hongjoong also fell for the way Seonghwa looks out for him silently, shoving him behind his taller body when danger shows its hide, the quiet tending to his wounds after missions, the anger in his eyes when Hongjoong yelps out in pain during missions when he gets hit by a foe followed by that enemy dropping unconscious or dead, and their blood is more often than not on Seonghwa's hands. It made Hongjoong think he cared, because Seonghwa often sends any other partner into the infirmary and leaves after missions, but Seonghwa stays with him with the agency's doctor even long after he had been bandaged and deemed fine. 

But that attention is not enough, and if there's one thing Hongjoong loves, it is attention. And Seonghwa is the person he _craves_ attention from most. He longs for more than lingering touches and gazes, he longs for more than angry bites and rough hands on his hips. And if that's all he could get, then Hongjoong wants more of it. 

Which is why Hongjoong is now in this club, swinging his hips to the beat the way he knows gets everyone's eyes and hands on him, tipsy and pretending like he doesn't see Seonghwa standing at the bar, staring straight at him. 

Bless Wooyoung for this idea. 

Hongjoong laughed and giggled, accepting anyone's and everyone's advances towards him, inviting even more and then twirling away out of their reach. He let men pull him flush against their chest, let them grind against him, he let women embrace him and press up against him as he gets drunk on all the attention. 

But not enough, this isn't the attention he wants, he always twirls away from the stranger he's currently grinding and dancing with, and searches for Seonghwa's eyes, the person he truly desires attention from. Usually, Seonghwa is merely watching, eyes devoid of emotion and Hongjoong turns away again, disappointed. 

It was when a man grinded on Hongjoong's ass particularly _deliciously_ that Hongjoong couldn't help the moan which tore out of him and he catches Seonghwa's eyes.

Seonghwa's gaze _darkens._

Hongjoong felt his heart leap in anticipation. 

"You like that, baby?" The man gruffly mutters into Hongjoong's ear, the way he likes it, and Hongjoong moans, though his eyes stay on Seonghwa. 

"Yeah, I like that," Hongjoong sighs out, closing his eyes, a whine escaping him when the man tugs on Hongjoong's many earrings with his teeth.

When Hongjoong opens his eyes again, Seonghwa is no longer by the bar. The agent tries to not look panicked, looking around, searching subtly for Seonghwa, when he feels a hand grab his wrist, pulling him to a firm chest. Hongjoong looks up, seeing none other than Seonghwa, who looks cold as ever. 

But only Hongjoong notices the flames of anger in those dark brown orbs. 

"Oh, come on, what you grabbing him for?" The man earlier complains. "We were having fun."

Hongjoong mentally snorts. 

"Sorry," Seonghwa's voice comes out sickeningly and coldly sweet, "he's a friend and we need to go home right now. His housemate is looking for him."

A blatant, blatant lie. 

Hongjoong lives alone. 

Without giving a chance for the man to respond, Seonghwa quickly drags Hongjoong off the dance floor and out of the club, pulling him into Seonghwa's car. 

"Seonghwa, ugh, let go of me!" Hongjoong grumbles, yanking his hand out of Seonghwa's grip. "Why'd you stop us like that?! We were having fun!"

Hongjoong knows he's being a brat right now, and he absolutely _adores_ the way Seonghwa's eyes darken even more. 

"Having fun?" Seonghwa's accent peeked out, and it sent shivers down Hongjoong's spine. "I see."

Seonghwa stops talking then, merely putting him down in the passenger's seat and closing the door, before entering the driver's seat and locking the doors. They both know Hongjoong could break out of a situation like this easily, but they both know Hongjoong wouldn't, because this is what he wanted. 

Seonghwa's attention. 

Not the bestest kind, but the one he could get.

Seonghwa drives them back to his apartment, not uttering a word, but Hongjoong could see his knuckles turning white as he grasped the steering wheel tight, pressing on the accelerating pedal hard. Once or twice he runs his hand through his midnight black hair, letting out a frustrated huff, and Hongjoong watches, observing the agent's side profile that he has come to love so, so, so much. When they arrived, Seonghwa wordlessly exits and slams the car door close, before pulling Hongjoong out, locking the car and dragging him up to his house. 

Seonghwa fumbles with his keys in silent anger and jealousy, Hongjoong feels it rise and fall like waves in the tightening and loosening squeezes on his wrist. The agent opens the door and locks it after pushing Hongjoong in. He stands there, staring at Hongjoong coldly. 

"What?" Hongjoong braves himself to ask. 

Seonghwa's eye twitches. 

"Did you really have fun?" Seonghwa murmurs, eyes glaring. "Did you really have fun with that _sleazy_ fuck?"

Hongjoong tries to suppress the shudder he feels under Seonghwa's piercing gaze and his deep voice and accent. It feels so. Fucking. Good.

"Y-Yeah, I fucking did," Hongjoong retorts. Seonghwa steps closer and whirls Hongjoong around, trapping him against the wall with a hand as he leans down closer.

"Don't fucking lie to me, Kim Hongjoong," Seonghwa growls, and Hongjoong feels his knees almost give out underneath him. 

"Why? You got a problem with it?" Hongjoong challenges. 

Seonghwa lifts his free hand and wraps it gently around Hongjoong's neck. 

Hongjoong knows what's coming next, and he's excited for it.

"Yes, I do."

Seonghwa presses down and Hongjoong's breath hitches, as he feels himself start to choke at the increasing pressure of Seonghwa's large hand. Hongjoong fucking loves it, the feeling of being at Seonghwa's mercy. They both know it, they both know that Hongjoong's fucking tired of always being the one holding the reins with their prey, and good for him, Seonghwa loves holding the reins no matter what.

"Say you're sorry," Seonghwa mutters into Hongjoong's ear, nipping on his earlobe, kissing behind his ear and trailing down to his jaw and neck, all the while still squeezing Hongjoong's neck, alternating between tight and loose squeezes.

"H-Ha, w-why should I?" Hongjoong breathlessly replies. A tight squeeze which has Hongjoong almost tearing up, and then Seonghwa lets him go and carries him to the bedroom, throwing him onto the bed. 

"Be good and undress," Seonghwa commands and goes to his closet, reaching into a secret compartment where they both know he stashes his 'supplies'. 

Hongjoong scrambles to undress, taking off his clothes in record time and lays down on the bed, ready for whatever Seonghwa would punish him with. This is what he wanted, _no,_ it's what he _needed_.

Seonghwa returns with two pairs of handcuffs, and he locks each of Hongjoong's wrists in a pair, connecting each wrist to a bedpost by the headboard, causing Hongjoong to be spread out on the bed, stark naked, ready to be devoured whole by Seonghwa. Hongjoong's legs reflexively close in on each other, shy under Seonghwa's hungry gaze. The raven-haired agent takes in the view before him, and Hongjoong sees him bite his bottom lip, and fuck if Hongjoong didn't feel so fucking good about himself at that moment. 

"What are you waiting for?" Hongjoong blurts out in that high of pride, and Seonghwa's gaze darkens again and he climbs onto the bed as he takes off his clothes, leaving his underwear on.

Hongjoong thinks the way Seonghwa slips off his shirt and prowls over to Hongjoong, pushing Hongjoong's legs open to settle between them is dangerous, no, Seonghwa himself is dangerous just by existing, especially for Hongjoong. 

"Did hyung let you talk?" Seonghwa asks, caressing Hongjoong's thighs, hand moving slowly until they stop short at Hongjoong's right ass cheek, kneading softly. So gentle, but Hongjoong knows what comes next.

Hongjoong stays silent and Seonghwa's eye twitches.

"Answer me."

A smack sounded loud in the room and Hongjoong tugs hard against his cuffs, as Seonghwa again kneads the same cheek, his cold hand a contrast to Hongjoong's heating skin. 

"Did hyung let you talk, Joong-ah?" Seonghwa asks again and Hongjoong shakes his head vigorously. "Then, why did you talk?"

Hongjoong opens his mouth, wanting to say something, but Seonghwa brings his hand down on Hongjoong's left ass cheek instead, knocking the breath out of him. Seonghwa coos, gently caressing the supple skin. 

"Four more, Hongjoong-ah, be good for hyung, will you?"

Hongjoong nods quickly, and Seonghwa continues on with the punishment, staying true to his words, bringing his hand down four times, twice on each cheek, and Hongjoong jerks against his restraints at each hit. 

"Rule one, Joong-ah. Don't talk or be loud unless I tell you to," Seonghwa massages Hongjoong's thigh, as he states the rules again, even though they both know them by heart. "Rule two, don't come unless I say you can. Rule three, do what hyung tells you."

Hongjoong nods at each and every one of these rules.

"And rule four, Hongjoong-ah," Seonghwa plants a kiss on Hongjoong's right knee, "we're going to use the traffic light system. I won't gag you, so use your voice if it gets too much, understand? Tell me you understand."

Hongjoong almost melts at how considerate Seonghwa is to him, even when he's supposed to be punished right now. 

"Yes, hyung, I understand."

"Good boy," Seonghwa smiles slightly, and Hongjoong will forever desire to be the reason that smile appears on his face. "But then, you haven't been that good today, have you?" The smile fades, and Hongjoong sucks in a sharp breath when Seonghwa digs his nails into his thigh.

"You were all over that sleazy fuck," Seonghwa drags his nails down Hongjoong's thigh, leaving red trails behind, which Hongjoong knows will leave marks in the morning, and he loves it, because that means he's being marked by _Seonghwa_. "Even fucking moaning like some cheap whore. Even fucking said you were having fun."

Hongjoong winces as Seonghwa digs his nails in again.

"But did you really have fun? Was it really that asshole you were imagining pounding into you, or was it _me_ in your head?" Seonghwa growls.

Hongjoong whimpers softly.

"Dirty, dirty boy, imagining me when you're with someone who can't even compare to me," Seonghwa sneers, now digging his nails into Hongjoong's hip, "don't think I don't know what you were trying to do, you slutty minx."

"H-"

"It's the attention you want, right?" Seonghwa leans in, nipping on Hongjoong's sensitive earlobe, and Hongjoong bit down hard on his bottom lip, trying to hold back the moan almost ripping out of him, "then I'll give you attention. Just sit, look pretty and listen to me. It's not much to ask for, aren't I generous?"

Hongjoong struggles weakly against the handcuffs as Seonghwa starts trailing kisses down the platinum blond's jaw and neck, starting from behind his ear. Hongjoong could taste the metallic tang of blood from his bottom lip due to how hard he is biting onto it to suppress his sounds, trying to be as quiet as possible. Seonghwa wordlessly makes his way down Hongjoong's body, raking his nails over Hongjoong's right nipple as he works his mouth around the other nipple, pressing Hongjoong's body down with his own, and Hongjoong nearly _sobs_ as his hips frustratedly try to buck up chasing friction and his back arches at the amount of pleasure Seonghwa gave him. 

Hongjoong felt hot tears burning at the corners of his eyes as Seonghwa continues to make his way down his body so, _so_ devastatingly slowly, tugging on his handcuffs helplessly as his teeth still gnaw at his already bleeding bottom lip whenever he feels a moan coming up his throat. It fucking hurts, the amount of self-control he has to exert, it hurts to control himself from breaking out of the cuffs which he and Seonghwa know he's capable of, it hurts to stop himself from letting out the loudest sounds, but he wants to _be good._ He wants to _be good_ for his hyung. 

Suddenly, Seonghwa is no longer on him, and Hongjoong opens his teary eyes to see the raven-haired man still settled between his legs, but now kneeling, pouring lube onto his fingers. 

Hongjoong makes a confused sound and Seonghwa looks at him, and a devious smirk makes its way onto the black-haired man's face. 

Hongjoong's heart almost fails as his cock twitches a little, knowing he's at Seonghwa's mercy and that smirk is hot as fuck. 

"You want attention, you want the pleasure, don't you?" Seonghwa smirks. "Let's see how much you can handle."

Seonghwa is gentle with his fingers, despite this being a punishment, and Hongjoong sighs softly. He loves being filled up like this, especially by Seonghwa, because Seonghwa's fingers are the right length and thickness to fill him up the way he loves it. Seonghwa thrusts his finger in and out, adding two other fingers gradually as his pace quickens and the thrusts deepen, and then he changes his angle and Hongjoong is pulling against his cuffs again, a strangled moan escaping him, toes curling as Seonghwa hits right onto his prostate, sending waves of pleasure through him as his cock twitches and erects, interested.

Seonghwa chuckles at the sight, and then he brings out his fingers, and Hongjoong almost whines aloud because suddenly, he's _empty_ . But it is not for long, because then Seonghwa pulls out a vibrator and settles it in Hongjoong's hole, and Hongjoong's eyes widen when he realizes what's going to happen next. Vibrators are his weakness, and Seonghwa is going to make full use of that to punish him. Seonghwa _knows_ Hongjoong gets riled up easily when a vibe is in him, and it would be difficult for Hongjoong to try and not cum before Seonghwa tells him to. 

But Seonghwa also _knows_ Hongjoong loves a challenge— _that's probably why Hongjoong fell in love with Seonghwa in the first place—_ and God, if Hongjoong isn't gonna fucking take it.

"Remember, Joong-ah," Seonghwa mutters darkly, smirking at Hongjoong as his thumb presses on the vibrator's controller, watching as Hongjoong start to tremble, "no cumming unless I say you can."

Hongjoong almost curses out loud until he remembers he can't be noisy without permission from Seonghwa. The platinum blond agent bites his lip again, not caring that it hurts so badly now, because his mind is hazy with the way the vibrator is moving in his hole, making him feel so good and so _tortured_. His toes curl and uncurl, as he trembles and shakes in his restraints, tears streaking down his cheeks as he tries to stop the moans and mewls coming out of his mouth when Seonghwa alternates between the lowest and highest settings. But he manages to stop himself from cumming without Seonghwa's permission, squeezing his eyes shut as he cries from how much his cock is aching, red and leaking. 

Seonghwa lets out a 'tch' as he shakes his head.

"No fun," Seonghwa softly mutters and then nudges the vibrator, pushing it deeper in until it's right against Hongjoong's prostate, the other choking when he feels Seonghwa turn the vibrator up again to the highest frequency. 

"H-Hyu- Nuh-" Hongjoong splutters as he feels white hot pleasure in his stomach and he could no longer hold it in, cumming hard onto his stomach with a long moan, back arching off the sheets, and then falling back onto the pillows, chest heaving as his tears fall even faster, knowing he has broken the rules. He squeezes his eyes shut again, not wanting to see Seonghwa's disappointed eyes.

"Tch, tch, Hongjoong-ah, you came without hyung's permission," Seonghwa's voice enters his ears, "you even spoke and was loud without my permission."

"Nuh- Sorry, sorry, hyung, _sorry_ , I didn't mean to, _Joongie_ didn't mean to, _hyung_ , sorry-" Hongjoong sobs out, 

"Colour?" Seonghwa's voice is soft again, and Hongjoong almost melts.

"Green," Hongjoong answers softly through his tears and apologies. "Hyung, 'm so _sorry_ , 'm _sorry_ -"

"Oh, baby," Seonghwa rises, and he now hovers over Hongjoong, "it's okay."

But Seonghwa's hand tightens around Hongjoong's throat, as he whispers 'it's okay' in Hongjoong's ear, before nipping on his earlobe and kissing behind his ear again. Hongjoong is breathless, and he loves that Seonghwa always takes away his breath, no matter how he does it.

"We'll just have to punish you for that," Seonghwa mutters, and Hongjoong could hear the smirk in his voice, and when he leans back, Hongjoong sees that devilish smirk on his handsome face. Seonghwa's hand drags from Hongjoong's throat down to one of his nipples and flicks the erect bud, causing Hongjoong to gasp. "Let's see how much you can handle, yes?"

Then, suddenly, Seonghwa swooped down, engulfing Hongjoong's still sensitive cock in his mouth, eliciting a loud moan from the platinum blond agent. 

"H-Hyung!" Hongjoong couldn't care anymore about being quiet, pulling against the cuffs desperately as his legs trash around as Seonghwa bobs his head up and down Hongjoong's length, pressing Hongjoong's hips down firmly against the bed. The vibrator springs back to life in him, though now a dull frequency.

It didn't take long for Hongjoong to cum again, releasing his load down Seonghwa's throat, who milks him dry of every drop. Seonghwa wipes the cum and saliva trailing down his chin with a finger and shoves it into Hongjoong's mouth, who takes it willingly, eagerly sucking on the long digit, even as Seonghwa thrusts in other fingers alongside it, Hongjoong only opens his mouth wider, letting Seonghwa have his way with him. 

Hongjoong jerks against the handcuffs again when he feels Seonghwa's free hand wrapping around his member again, looking at Seonghwa with wide eyes. 

"Keep sucking, baby," Seonghwa smiles, "you wanna be good, don't you?"

Hongjoong nods and continues sucking onto Seonghwa's fingers, whimpering and moaning softly as Seonghwa matches his pace with his hand around Hongjoong's length. It _hurts_ , the way he's getting overstimulated, the way Seonghwa's hand squeezes around him, the way Seonghwa presses a nail into his slit and Hongjoong jerks in pain, the way the vibrator is still working in him at a dull frequency which feels so unbearable given how sensitive he is at the moment, but Hongjoong fucking loves it so much, because it's Seonghwa doing this to him, and he'd always let Seonghwa have his way with him. Hongjoong cums again, though this time albeit weaker, when Seonghwa flicks his wrist a certain way and presses down on his slit, choking and gurgling on Seonghwa's long fingers shoved down his throat. 

"Good boy," Seonghwa praises, and Hongjoong wants to cry because he has been bad, he broke the rules, but the way Seonghwa says it makes Hongjoong believe he has done well. "Good boys deserve rewards, don't they?"

Seonghwa pulls his hands out of Hongjoong's mouth and off the platinum blond's length, and Hongjoong feels the vibrator stop and slide out of him. Hongjoong whines softly at the feeling of emptiness, though his body relaxes for a bit, appreciating the break from being so tense from all the orgasms he had and the self-control he had to exert. Seonghwa massages his thigh gently and Hongjoong sighs, his head lolling back as Seonghwa kneads and presses, trying to relax the tense muscles. 

"Since you have been good," Seonghwa starts again, "hyung will reward you, Joong-ah. What would you like hyung to do to you, Joong-ah?"

 _Love me_ , Hongjoong's mind whispers, but he doesn't say it, he only stares at Seonghwa with hazy eyes. 

"Anything, hyung," Hongjoong answers after a beat, " _anything_ at all, hyung, I just want _you_."

Seonghwa nods.

"Do you want hyung to fuck you?"

Hongjoong nods desperately. 

"Yes, _yes_ , please," Hongjoong pleads. " _Please_ fuck me, hyung. I don't care how, hyung, but just _fuck_ me, _please_ -"

Because when Seonghwa is thrusting in and out of him, that is when he holds Hongjoong in his arms and that's the closest thing Hongjoong can get to what they could be in another universe, to what Hongjoong wishes with all his heart they could be.

And God, does Hongjoong _need_ Seonghwa's warmth against him and Seonghwa's arms around him, or he will start to break apart right here and now, and it wouldn't be a pretty sight.

"Okay, baby, shh," Seonghwa shushes him, his eyes now gentle as he peppers kisses on Hongjoong's face and takes off the handcuffs, massaging Hongjoong's sore wrists and planting a kiss on each of them. "I'll take care of you now, you've made it up to me. Don't worry, I've got you, _hyung's got you_."

And Hongjoong, by god, he almost sobs when Seonghwa finally slides home after wearing a condom and slicking himself up, and he cries when Seonghwa gathers him in his arms, as he latches onto the raven-haired man. Seonghwa fucks him nice and slow, deep and steady, and Hongjoong cries into Seonghwa's shoulder in pleasure and agony, pleasure because Seonghwa is giving him what he wants, agony because this is as far as he could ever get with Seonghwa and because he knows he'll never get what he truly wants with the other. Hongjoong whimpers and moans, hiccups and sobs as Seonghwa thrusts in and out, changing his angle and hits right at his prostate, and it both hurts and heals him, the way Seonghwa lets him hold onto him, the way Seonghwa wraps his arms around Hongjoong like Hongjoong would break and fall apart if he let go. 

Hongjoong feels anger, anger at himself, anger at the world, and it upsets him and he cries in frustration, and he lets it out on Seonghwa, who lets him leave angry red trails and crescents on Seonghwa's back, as he bites onto Seonghwa's shoulder, muffling his sobs as he comes on his stomach and Seonghwa's hand he didn't notice was wrapped around him, stroking him at the same pace as Seonghwa's thrusts. Hongjoong still latches onto Seonghwa, even though he felt uncomfortable with the stimulation after the orgasm, but he still holds onto Seonghwa like the other is the last thing keeping him alive, as Seonghwa keeps going, and finally releases his load into the condom. They stayed there for a bit, just heaving and panting, and then Seonghwa pulls out, letting go of Hongjoong and Hongjoong feels panic rise up in his chest so fast it chokes him, and he cries out loud.

"No!" Hongjoong yells, grabbing onto Seonghwa's wrist, and the tears fall even faster. "No, no, please don't leave me, Seonghwa, Seong _hwa_ -"

And Hongjoong can't even form coherent words anymore as he cries and wails, breaking down as his fingers weakened, reluctantly letting go of Seonghwa and curls up on himself and the pillows, shoving his face into the pillows because he can't believe he's acting this way in front of Seonghwa, he hates this, he hates himself for letting this side of him show, and he cries and cries, sobbing brokenly into the pillows, all the feelings welled up in him flowing out freely in tears and small fists gripping so tightly at the pillows the covers almost rip. He heaves and wheezes, trying to get himself to breathe, even though it fucking _hurts_ , because Seonghwa would leave him after seeing him like this, and it fucking _hurts_ , because then Hongjoong really wouldn't have a reason to keep going and Hongjoong continues crying into the pillows, despite wishing himself to stop. He hears not a single word from the other, only footsteps and the opening of a door, and after awhile, the footsteps return and a soft towel is wiping him down, cleaning him and Hongjoong wants to yell at Seonghwa for treating him so well because it means he'll never get over Seonghwa, but Hongjoong doesn't, because even if he tries to speak, his throat burns and he'd rather just cry it all out. 

Then, Hongjoong must have blacked out, because he only remembers the bed dipping behind him and nothing else afterwards.

\---

Hongjoong wakes up to the sound of steady breathing and familiar warmth against him, in the arms he knows well. He rubs at his already sore eyes and pinches himself hard enough he almost yelps, trying to wake himself up from this dream. Because, surely, this situation he finds himself in, where Seonghwa is hugging him from behind and sleeping soundly, isn't real at all. This could only be a product of his mind, Hongjoong believes, a situation like this could never be real. He keeps pinching, maybe if he hurts himself enough he'll finally wake up in actual reality; alone and covered in last night's marks.

But the fading from a dream into waking doesn't happen, nor does his body shock and jerk into awakening from this supposed dream, no matter how many times he pinches himself that he starts to dig his nails into his own skin. The warmth is still there, the familiar arms are still there, and Hongjoong can still hear and _feel_ Seonghwa's warm, steady breathing down his neck. 

This is _everything_ he could ever want, but Hongjoong finds himself panicking instead. He feels nauseous and dizzy as he starts to heave, suddenly the arms around him feels like they are trapping him in, suddenly the warmth feels too suffocating, and this is all he ever dreamed about, but now, Hongjoong wants _out._ He wants to shove the arms off him and run, _run_ far away to somewhere else, somewhere where he can recollect himself and not be _this_ ugly, ugly mess. 

So that's what Hongjoong does.

"Seonghwa, off, off, off—" Hongjoong starts hyperventilating as he pushes Seonghwa's arms off him and scoots off the bed so fast he almost falls over the edge, standing on shaky legs as he backs away to the closet, his back hitting the furniture as Seonghwa stirs awake. 

Worry flashes in Seonghwa's eyes as he takes in the sight before him; Hongjoong staring at him with wide eyes like a scared animal, back pressed up against the closet, sweating and trembling like a leaf.

"Hongjoong—"

"Don't!" Hongjoong yells out. "Don't! Don't fucking come any closer, Seonghwa!"

"Hongjoong, what's wrong? We can talk this out."

What's wrong?

_What's wrong?_

Hongjoong almost scoffs. 

_Everything is fucking wrong, because you're suddenly acting different,_ kinder, gentler _and I don't fucking know if this is real or not anymore,_ Hongjoong wanted to scream, but he shoves the words down his throat, gulping them down. 

"No," Hongjoong mutters, "no- I need- I need to go. Sorry, thank you, goodbye, sorry."

Hongjoong mutters and mumbles to himself as he frantically picks up his discarded clothes and belongings and runs out of the room, putting them on in the empty room next to Seonghwa's which the raven-haired agent has made into his office space, and runs out, grabbing Seonghwa's keys where he knows he puts it, because they have done this so many times before, and exits the apartment before Seonghwa could stop him, throwing the keys back in without a word. The platinum blond agent doesn't look back, because he knows he'd run back into Seonghwa's arms if he even hesitated once, taking out his phone and dials the first number he sees, only stopping once he deemed he is far enough, in front of a shelf at the far back of a convenience store seven blocks away from Seonghwa's apartment, hidden away from most of the morning crowd. He bounces back and forth, shaking, as his teeth gnaw on his already injured bottom lip, waiting for the call to connect. 

" _Hyung?_ " A voice on the other end says, and Hongjoong couldn't hold in the sob escaping him. " _Woah, woah, hyung, breathe. What do you want me to do?_ "

"Sannie," Hongjoong gasps through yet another breakdown, "my heart _hurts_."

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i hope that wasn't too awful to read. thank you for reading, commenting, and leaving kudo's!


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